Journeymen Poopers

This is something that has really annoyed me for a long time.  At my place of employment, there are four floors, each floor occupied by a different company, each floor has it’s own set of restrooms, please take a look at the diagram:

Well, the problem is, I work on the first floor and I’m noticing a lot of people from other floors using our restrooms, in particular, to poop.  I think the psychology behind this is that they do not want to emit their fecal odor on their own particular floor where their colleagues would possibly smell it and go back into the office and mention how foul smelling his or her poop was in the restroom.   They play it safe, they travel to another floor to deposit their load and anyone who happens to smell it will be from a completely company or department. 

I’m sick of it.  I’m dying to have an intervention, I just want to say, “Listen chief, when you’re doing this kind of business, do it on your own floor.”  The only way that this journeyman pooping would be acceptable, would be if people from my floor were traveling to higher floors to poop, and I don’t think that’s the case.  I think we have a higher proportion of number 2’s on floor 1. 

I encourage people to stay in their territory when they have to go to the bathroom, walk right into the bathroom like you are on a mission, be confident, acknowledge other people in the bathroom and choose your stall carefully.  Remember, there’s no reason to be ashamed, you are the man, you will own this bathroom. 

How to choose the stall:
1.  Pick the furthest stall from the bathroom entrance.  This keeps you focused on the task at hand, there’s less of a chance for interruptions and distractions, it’s your own sanctuary.
2.  If the furthest stall is taken, leave the stall open next to the furthest and take the third stall from the end.  You want a buffer, you don’t want any Senator Craig stuff going on and you don’t want to hear every detail of your comrade’s gastro intestinal adventure.  Give yourself a little space. 
3.  If you walk into the bathroom and every other stall is occupied, then you immediately need to head over to the urinals, fake pee and leave.  I’ve seen people wash their face and fly a holding pattern, but that’s weird because you have to inherit the throne while it’s still warm.  In these cases, I’d allow a migration to a different floor. 

6 thoughts on “Journeymen Poopers

  1. Easily the best article published on this site. This is literature gold and worthy of being prime reading material for taking the kids to the pool. First off that’s absolute bullshit that that’s going on. I’d send out a memo to the building and depending on how many people work on floor one put some tape around the door and a sign saying out of service. Then let your 1st floor mates in on the jig. I wouldn’t hesitate to use the restrooms on 2,3, or 4. As far as picking a stall research has shown that most people skip the 1st and 2nd stalls. But it seems that a lot of people will pick stall one to just piss-and you know what that means. So the best bet is stall #2 out of a 4 or 5 stall option. The only possible problem is people who crap alot are on to this so those tend to be quality over quantity crappers which means there could be newspapers on the floor or they could be in use often. There’s still problems with it but it’s a good bet. The crappers on the end are where the retards & the fatty’s crap and even though you might not see it, when they’re done shit could be anywhere. Sure it’ll be cleaned up, but you have to ask yourself, “Has it really been cleaned up or does it just look like it has been?”That’s all from me folks, love the site and don’t forget to bring something to read.

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  2. I had lunch at The Old Spaghetti House yesterday. I wanted to try something different, so I ordered their squid ink pasta. It tasted pretty good, but the ink turned my lips and teeth black. And it was ridiculously hard to wipe off. Note to self: never order squid ink pasta on a date.Anyway, the story got interesting this morning when I pooped. Yup, you guessed it… my poop came out black.For a moment, I panicked. Holy shit! Why is my poop black? Then I remembered. Oh, right, squid ink. Heh. After a while, I started thinking. What is squid ink anyway? Is it squid poop? Did I actually pay money to have squid diarrhea drizzled on my pasta? I know that I can easily find the answer to that on Google, but nah, I don’t think I want to know.I wish that I can show you what my poop looked like. Unfortunately, I flushed it before I thought of taking a picture. What? You don’t want to see it? Why?

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