The goods news is, a crazy bastard can’t get his hands on fireworks, the bad news is he can easily buy an AK-47 or Barret 50 Caliber Sniper Rifle over the internet. Goodness gracious, imagine if someone was so pissed that he couldn’t get fireworks, he bought a gun?
Actually, I was able to purchase fireworks last year, through some legal loophole that made it possible for someone with an out of state license to purchase fireworks in Pennsylvania. I’m not talking sparklers, I’m talking big ass fireworks that shoot way into the air and burst into vibrant stars. You have to fill out all kinds of forms explaining that you’re not a Pennsylvania resident and you have to show proof that you’re not a resident (NJ Drivers License) and then you have to sign a form saying that you are going to take these fireworks far away from Pennsylvania where you promise to use them in a state that is legal. I showed them my New Jersey license and was allowed access into the Fireworks Super Store in Easton, Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, after purchasing the fireworks I had to make it through New Jersey which was heavily advertising their commitment to bust anyone carrying fireworks or lighting fireworks in their state. I had a huge payload and didn’t want to get busted, I felt like a drug dealer smuggling 100 kilos of cocaine across the border.
Anyways, I was talking to a guy from Switzerland about this crazy ordeal and the amount of hassle it is to acquire decent fireworks and he was astonished. He said, “You’re telling me in America, where everyone owns guns, it’s a real hassle to buy fireworks?” I thought about this for a minute and said, “That’s a real good point, it would be a lot easier for me to acquire a gun than a bottle rocket (and I wouldn’t have to break the law).
So, I’ve done a little research and I can tell you this, it is very freaking easy to buy a bad ass gun. With a few clicks of the mouse, I was able to get a click away from owning an AK-47 and a Barret 50 Caliber Sniper Rifle. Apparently, if I had ordered those guns (which would have set me back about $800 for the AK-47 and $7000 for the Sniper Rifle), I would have had to pick them up from a dealer who would give me the standard background check. So, as long as you don’t have a history of doing something crazy before buying an AK-47, the deal should go through…but isn’t the act of buying an AK-47 a good sign that you’re kind of headed to Crazyville?
1. Which one of the following items could get me arrested for purchasing?:
2. Which item can’t I purchase over the internet?
3. Which one would make me look coolest if I was holding it with my shirt off?
A) AK-47 (useful for killing police officers and wiping out rival gangs)
Barrot 50 Caliber (I could blow off the head of an elephant with the sucker!)
C) Bottle Rocket
1. C 2. C (you can add it to your shopping list, but not to your cart for checkout) 3. A (the bottle rocket makes me look fat)