Jokes


Winston said, “Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?” I replied.

“Banana pants” said Winston.

“Banana pants who?”

Through an uncontrollable laugh, Winston says, “Banana pants train pants.”

I decided to show Winston how funny I could be so I pulled out a joke that I thought might appeal to him. “What is a dog’s favorite part of a tree?….the BARK!” nothing, over his head. “Ok, what is the dog’s favorite part of the house?…the ROOF!” nothing, no response. Winston then says, “Daddy, what’s the dog’s favorite part of a car?…the TRUNK!”

Dalia then starts yelling, “Banana Pants Train Pants!”

It was a regular night at the improv as the 3 of us drove in my tiny Honda Coup.



Money


I’m going to throw a challenge out there to all the loyal readers of the RKDeem Report. I am amazed that you can get 3 Peanut Chews at WaWa for 25 cents and cannot think of anything else that is that tasty and that cheap, can anyone name something great you can get for a quarter?

I saw an interesting article about a 59 year old man who robbed a bank for $1 because he wanted to go to jail to receive healthcare coverage for a growth in his chest. The scariest part of the story is that it is completely logical:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/wpix-man-robs-bank-health-care,0,4161298.story

Colorado was wonderful. I always enjoy seeing new sights and I had never been in the rocky mountains before. San Diego Dave and I used to climb up Mount Minsi at the Delaware Water Gap and it seemed pretty damn high. I am probably an idiot, but when I was in the rockies, the mountains seemed comparable to Mount Minsi. I did a quick search on the elevations and this is how they compare:

Mount Minsi (Pennsylvania Water Gap): 1,461 feet
Beaver Creek (Colorado Rockies): 11,440 feet

I did some more research and there’s a reason why I thought they were comparable, Beaver Creek’s mountain’s base is at 8,100 feet so it is really only 4,040 feet higher than the base. Don’t get me wrong though, the mountains are beautiful and you could easily spend an entire lifetime exploring those mountains and never come close to seeing everything.

I made a quick trip to Dallas, too quick to really pass a judgement on the city. But I did take a mile walk through a “nice” area and it was pretty boring. I have not been impressed with Houston or Dallas, too spread apart and nothing unique. The few Texans I spoke to mentioned that Galveston, TX is an incredible beach town and I need to check it out sometime, said it had all the good things people like about New Orleans without the bad stuff.

Looking forward to the 3 Day weekend for July 4th, can’t wait to see some fireworks.


Funny Stuff

A joke forwarded from my father:

Ed came home late one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.  He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’

Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead?  No, I can’t be!  I’ve got too much to live for.  Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home….

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh?  How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Ed the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside.  Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster.  ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

NEVER,’ said Ed.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster.  ‘It’s no big deal.’

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard……

“Ed, WAKE UP!  You just shit in the bed!”

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And now a news story about a marten:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110608/ap_on_fe_st/us_dead_weasel_assault


HOQUIAM, Wash. – Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.


The victim asked, “Why are you carrying a weasel?” Police said the attacker answered, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” then punched him in the nose and fled.


The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend’s apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.


KXRO reports he left the carcass behind.


Police later found the 33-year-old Hoquiam man arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested him after a fight.


He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don’t know why he carried it with him.


A marten is a member of the weasel family.


___________________________________________________________________
And now a couple videos:
A guy with way too much time on his hands singing Will Smith songs acapella:

And a video of the Deem family crabbing:




Beach Trip


While I was finishing up my work in Chicago, I received an invitation from Dad to go crabbing with the family on Saturday. I quickly replied that we’d all be down for it, I knew the wife and kids would love the adventure.

On Saturday morning we traveled down to Tuckerton, NJ and hopped on the boat and made a short trip to a marshy area that looked prime for crabbing. Within minutes, I hoisted up the first crab on a handline. The crab was deposited on the floor of the boat and was prepared to snap his claws at anyone who approached him. The kids screamed and the little creature terrified anyone within close proximity of its claws. We threw it into the cooler and caught several others, Jaclyn turned out to be an excellent crabber too, she always surprises me, she can do anything she wants to do.

After catching plenty of crabs, we took a stab at fishing right in the middle of the day. Somehow we managed to catch a stingray and a flounder without too much time and effort. The kids loved getting a close look at the fish. Between crabs and fish, the kids snuck into the boat’s cabin and had books read to them by their Grandmom. Considering the small space on the boat, the kids did amazingly well. We got back to the dock around 2:30PM and then I took Jac, Win, and Dalia to the beach.

The kids were the only people braving the cold water and wouldn’t leave until they were blue and shivering. Afterwards we rode a couple amusement park rides, most notably, their first experience on a roller coaster (a very small roller coaster, but it counts!).

Finally, it was about 6PM and we were ready for a bite to eat. Jac and I were reviewing a menu when we heard Dalia yelling at Winston. We turned around and saw Winston peeing on the main street with cars & pedestrians passing by. We returned the menus, picked up the kids and headed for the car. We drove up a couple of miles, safe from being recognized as “that family” and had a delicious seafood dinner (kids had nuggets).

It was a great weekend and next weekend, Jacalope and I head to Colorado. Can’t wait to enjoy some time alone with her.



Cubs


When I was pretty little, I remember playing baseball video games and when you’d play the Cubs, the outfield wall had the crazy ivy growing all over it. I used to love playing games on that field because it was unique, the other field that was very different was Fenway Park in Boston with the Big Green Monster. Yesterday, I finally found myself at the stadium in the real world and loved the whole experience. We sat on the left field line, there weren’t bullpens for pitchers when the field was built, so they just sat on folding chairs right in front of us in foul territory. When the pitcher was warming up, you could see he was constantly aware of the batter as he was in prime location to get whacked by a foul ball. The “bullpen” catcher was in an even worse spot, he had his back to the action. The field was built in an actual town, so as it got close to starting time, you see the people walking through the streets, many of them exiting drinking establishments in close proximity to the stadium, and walking to the ballpark. We stopped at a bar called, The Cubby Bear, right across from the stadium. I had the best french fries I’ve ever had (parmesan and garlic) complimented with a Goose Island Beer which is local to Chicago.

Inside the stadium, you walk on old bricks under old bleachers, and it sort of feels like a high school stadium. The scoreboard has a guy inside it that manually changes the numbers, he pokes his head out of a vacant spot for the tenth inning to catch parts of the game. The stadium had few distractions, no mascot, no big screen, no hot dog races, just a ball game, an organ that chimed along, and a seventh inning stretch where the whole building sang “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”. I guess I really wanted to be in a stadium because it had so many memories, a shrine to the game, and it didn’t disappoint. I did probably over inflate the importance of visiting though, not a real life changing experience and I think I could have died without seeing it, but feel very lucky to have gone. The experience doesn’t come close to beating out this weekend with the kids kayaking, hiking, and taking in a parade.





Pretty Perfect Weekend


I really enjoyed the Memorial Day Weekend, my little clan managed to go kayaking on Lake Nockamixon, hiking on high rocks, and watched the Frenchtown Memorial Day parade which is the best parade I’ve ever attended. It is a small parade, but really intimate and unique. The parade goes down the main street and ultimately a contingent of soldiers and the band make their way to the bridge. There’s a 21 gun salute on the bridge, followed by taps, then a couple former soldiers in a boat below release a wreath into the river, the moment culminates with an airplane flying right at the bridge, pulling up at the last second clearing the bridge by 10 feet and droppings hundreds of flower pedals into the river. Everyone follows the parade to the cemetery where there’s another 21 gun salute, wreaths laid on graves, taps, and then God Bless America. The only people not crying were Winston and Dalia who were happily sucking on lollipops thrown to them by old soldiers in convertibles.

As we walked through the cemetery, Winston was very interested about the tombstones and what they represented. We explained that this is where we put dead people and the answer seemed to satisfy him. I told him the names on the tombstones help people find where their friends are buried, I asked Winston if he’d visit me when I died and he said “yes”. It always amazes me that the subject of death does not concern a child.

It was a really perfect weekend with the wife and kids, as we drove on back country roads, surrounded by farms, lush green vegetation, and wildflowers, I felt pretty lucky and thankful for everyone’s service.

I’m in the Philly airport, heading to Chicago. I always hear great things about the city, but never had a super great experience there, I’m hoping that changes today as I squeak in a day game at Wrigley Field. This is the first item on my bucket list that I am crossing off, can’t wait to take it in. I’ll be back Friday night after attending an advisory board with physicians.