Weekend Warriors

Took down the old shed this weekend. Jaclyn rented a 12 yard dumpster and dismantling the shed ended up exceeding its capacity. To be honest, I think I over-estimated the joys associated with demolition. In my mind, the old shed looked ripe for a flying jump kick into the wall which would topple the structure. I imagined this scenario a million times in my head, get a 20 yard head start running at full speed, jumping at a distance of 4 feet from the shed, extend my right foot, leading the collective energy of my 230 pounds traveling at 14 mph, IMPACT; shed explodes. I walk over to my admiring wife, she embraces me and gives me a long satisfying kiss. In reality, I walked around the shed, pushing on a various locations, like a doctor trying to see if it is a break or a sprain, the old structure was stubbornly intact, and I concluded the only destruction associated with a jump kick would be to myself.

The next step was to brandish various implements of destruction and take this beast apart through sheer persistence of brute force. I picked up a sledge hammer, geez, that thing is heavier than I recall, maybe I got weaker, no, that is not possible, this is an exceptionally heavy sledge hammer. I wind it up, rotate my hips to generate torque, the hammer is going strong and smashes a vital joint to the shed, BOOM! The shed shakes, dust flies everywhere, the wood is dented and slightly rearranged, but the shed remains perfectly intact. I become like George Foreman punching Ali like a crazed maniac tiring myself out, I am swinging the sledge hammer like the Tazmanian Devil, drunk with fury, until my body tires and the follow through of my swing leaves me stumbling across the yard, nearly collapsing.

Let’s grab some water. Whoa, it is hot out here. Let’s catch our breath. Ok, let’s grab the giant bar, my favorite tool, a long straight piece of metal that weighs about 50 lbs. and it primarily used to unearth rocks or roots, but I planned on using it as a huge crowbar to pry off walls and roof. After about 30 minutes, the shed was loosened up, but still standing tall. Now frustration began to manifest itself in insults aimed at the dog (“get out of the way Benny, you’re going to get us both killed you dumb dog!”).

During the entire time, Jaclyn remained focused on systematically using a small crowbar to separate key joints of the shed and once the entire thing was loosened up to the point it was about to collapse, she called me over and told me to whack the piece of wood in the middle and it will fall down, I gave it a good hit and the entire wall fell at once. I married a good woman.

Once the shed was taken a part, hauling the debris to the dumpster was another avenue of torture. Throughout the process, I accumulated splinters, scratches, abrasions, and bruises, even a lost wedding band. As I was walking back to the dumpster, my wedding band just slid right off my finger and fell into the lawn. I felt the exact moment it happened, but could not locate it in the yard. Winston and I looked for awhile, trying to conceal our panic from Jaclyn. We gave it a solid 15 minutes when I got the idea to run down to Ace Hardware and rent a metal detector. The device seemed very simple to use, but it proved to be of no use. I thought it might be totally broken, so I threw my car keys down to see if that registered, it beeped about 1 out of 5 times I hovered over the keys, it was not helping. Between, me, the dog, Winston, and the metal detector beeping over my keys, now Jaclyn was aware of the situation and came to investigate. Surprisingly, she was sympathetic but greater parts determined, got on her hands and knees and found it about 10 minutes into the hunt.

It was a tough weekend, but the body and lawn are probably better for it.

Sleep was not ideal this weekend as Benny got his head stuck in a giant Ikea bag on Saturday night and was dragging it all over the place, then started to cry until I woke up and untangled him. On Sunday night, he got stuck under the bed (I had to lift up the bed while Jack yanked him out), then in the middle of the night he got stuck under a chair. We decided it was just better to stick him on our bed, but he fell off our bed at 5AM and scared the heck out of all of us.

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